Johnny's Immaculate Conception Reflection

The following was written and delivered by intern Johnny Holloway as a reflection on Tuesday, December 7.

Friday evening I decided to go to another (not the CSC) church for Mass at 5:15.

I got in the habit of occasionally going to weekday Mass this summer, shortly after becoming Catholic. Maybe it was because of the St. Louis summer heat, but I liked how they served their communion wine chilled. It was refreshing in every possible sense.

I met Sandy (not her real name) during one of those first summer visits to SLU, and ours

has become an unlikely relationship. Sandy must be in her late 50s, although

she looks older. She has seven kids, all of whom have children of their own,

and she is jobless. She lives on $687 a month, and is hard pressed to pay the

bills, and buy food for her poorly educated family. She’s either incompetent

to work, or unwilling to, so each day she takes 2 buses from the crowded

home she shares with her children, down to the SLU area to beg for money and food.

I’m 23 years old, I’ve never been hungry for more than a few hours, and my

parents purchased the car that I drive and the degree I got from Wash U.

I don’t want to paint a romantic image of Sandy or make her out to look like a

saint. She’s not one. She knows how to get what she wants. Often she needs

a ride somewhere. She always manages to get herself down to SLU and

then complains about how much trouble it is for her to get back home on

the buses. “I’m broke down, I’m strugglin’ too much” is her refrain. After

seeing some of the places she’s asked me to take her in the past (the Section

8 housing office, her home, KFC), I’m becoming convinced that though she

has very real needs, more than anything, she just wants to go for a ride in a

car and to have someone to listen to her for a brief while.

Friday was the feast of St. Francis Xavier, a co-founder and patron of the

Jesuits. From the homily I learned that Francis was a smart student and a

good athlete, a man after my own heart. But he was frustrated by how many

good Catholics were content to sit around at Universities studying about

God, but were unwilling to go out and take the Good News to the people

of God through humble service. On top of this, I remembered John the

Baptist’s words from this Sunday, “Bear fruit as a sign of your repentance.”

With all these pious thoughts filling my mind, I left the chapel on a spiritual

high…and then I ran into Sandy. “Crap. I’m going to have to drive her

somewhere.”, I thought. “Maybe she won’t see me.” I started walking away

and only got a few steps before I heard her calling my name. I tried to be

firm and came up with something like “Sandy, you know I can’t give you a ride

anywhere”…but the truth was that I could, and she knew it. She reminded

me of how hard her life is, how cold she was, how she didn’t have any

money for a Christmas tree, let alone gifts for her children or grandchildren,

etc.…she wanted a ride home. How could I say no?

I drove her home…and found out that she only wanted to go there to check

her mail. Where she really needed to go, she then said, was to this other

place where her son was staying, so we arrived there…only so that she could

tell her son where she was actually wanting to go was this place in South

City, where there was heat and furniture... another detour.

I was angry, and Sandy knew it. She had lied to me, and I felt used. “This is not

cool Sandy, you knew where you needed to go before you asked me for a ride,

but you weren’t honest with me about it.”

“I know”, she said “but you wouldn’t have taken me otherwise.”

As we rode in silence to her friend’s place in South City, I could tell that Sandy

was feeling bad about the whole thing. She turned to me and said she was

sorry. She asked if I could forgive her so that we could start over fresh. I

thought about Christ on the Crucifix, and how despite having been used, His

love overflowed in Mercy and Forgiveness even on the Cross. It was also

clear to me after seeing how she lived, that Sandy was the one who was truly

being crucified in this life, not me. I swallowed hard and said “Yes Sandy, I

forgive you. And I’m sorry for trying to avoid you at Church.”

My “yes” did not lead me where I expected it to. It was actually very messy.

In fact, I think all of our “yeses” are pretty messy in some way, but I do

know that we will always meet God through them.

Brian's Immaculate Conception Reflection

The following was written and delivered by intern Brian Blosser as a reflection on Tuesday, December 7.

I have said YES to God in his call to continue to seek him, to not give up on the Divine. You see, for a number of years now, I have struggled with the question of whether or not God exists. I have struggled with whether my faith could stand up to my intellect and my skepticism. I have felt that there was as good a chance of God not existing as there was of God existing.

Emotionally, it’s not hard for me to imagine that I am talking to God in prayer, or thanking God in church, and there is so much I love in our Catholic tradition. However, intellectually, I ask myself questions all the time: Is our belief in God a product of human evolution that can be explained through evolutionary psychology or cultural evolution? Although God could be the source of all the universe and of evolution, it’s possible that he wasn’t, too. Is God necessary? Am I clinging to God because I need to believe in God, because I want to believe in God? Am I afraid I couldn’t handle a Godless world?

I have a brother who is atheist, and we have very lively conversations about what religious people believe, and whether or not those beliefs hold water. I think in addition to the intellectual standards I hold myself to, I often think of my brother in the back of my mind. Would he approve of my belief? Is it something that would stand up to his reasoning?

During last Spring semester, when I was deciding what I was going to do this year, I felt that the CSC was a place where I could explore these questions, explore whether or not God existed and if he did, what I could know about him. However, I worried that I wouldn’t fit in as an intern without a strong faith. During my interview for the CSC internship, I expressed my concern about fitting in to Troy and Sr. Linda. Sr. Linda’s response was, “Brian, the only thing that we ask is that you have an open mind, that you be open to God acting in your life just as much as you be open to God not existing.” It was a really powerful thing that she said.

I think I have said yes to God this year in that I have not stopped seeking: I have not stopped pursuing an understanding of God and the God question. I have been able to read several books about God which have intrigued me and given me hope: from a book that posited God as the source of moral progress, to a book which introduced me to eco-theology, to works of scholars in the field of science and religion, who are able to wrestle with the God question in light of what we know about the natural world through science.

In addition, in light of the openness requested by Troy and Sr. Linda, I have tried my best, with their loving encouragement, to learn from the diverse understandings of God of those around me. Although all of the understandings don’t always make sense to me, I recognize that they can hold much wisdom and value.

To be clear, I haven’t always been diligent in my seeking: there are times when laziness or lack of interest slows my search for God. There are also times when I let my mind close to others’ understandings and lose out on their wisdom. But I hope that when that happens I do my best to renew my commitment, to again say Yes and continue to seek an understanding of God.

Sarah's Immaculate Conception Reflection

The following was written and delivered by intern Sarah Ampleman as a reflection on Tuesday, December 7.

In many ways, the past spring and summer have been more of

a winter than anything else. There was a lot of stripping away,

of starkness; it was a time of hibernation in my own little cave

to sort things out.

You see, I had fallen in love, for the first time. Or really, I

had realized after the fact, when it was too late to do anything

about it, that I was in love. It was just two weeks after the

initial shock that it wasn’t going to work out with this person

that God decided to drop the “religious life” bomb on me.

Really God, you think NOW is the best time to ask me to think

about becoming a sister or nun?? It felt like I had been shown

everything I’d ever want, and then had it taken away from me,

like I’d never really be given it or anything like it, again. I was

still reeling from the blow that I wouldn’t have the chance to

know this man like I desired, but now felt completely knocked

out by the thought that maybe, I wouldn’t ever get to know any

man ever. It seemed like some kind of cruel joke –that I was

able to experience falling in love, but I’d never know its fruits.

I was bitter and angry at God. But underneath those

shallower emotions was fear. Fear of closing myself off to

potential relationships, of potential “happy endings.” Fear

because I knew I’d eventually be saying yes to God, because he

knew me best after all, and where else could I run and still be

happy? Fear because I’d never even considered the religious

life as a viable option and so had no framework at all of how

to think about and visualize the future. I was a strange mix of

depression at a seemingly bleak horizon of knowing I would

eventually be done with this heartbreak but for now I’d just

have to wait it out in the meantime, however long it took, and

yet somehow hopeful that God had plans for me and that I

knew just a little bit more of what they were.

It took a couple of painful months for me to say yes to

God to discern a call to the religious life. It was very humbling

and it involved a lot of letting go’s. I began to understand

what it meant to be stripped of everything: of all my plans,

of everything I want, of everything I love and cherish, to be

left with nothing --except the very best part of me that was

hidden deep down at the bottom –and giving this back to God.

Through this saying yes to God and the time spent in prayer

and asking myself hard questions, I grew to know more deeply

both myself and God, of what I could contribute to the world,

what my gifts were and my purpose.

Honestly, looking back on the last nine months, it’s been

the best part of my life. I have felt more alive, first from the

pain, but secondly, and more deeply, from an awakening to

who I really am, the affirmation of who God is calling me

to be and how He is giving me everything I need to be this

manifestation of love for others. After this winter, came a

spring and a new life.

While this ‘yes’ has not led me to a definitive answer

on what vocation God is calling me to, it has led to a better

awareness and attentiveness on my part of what God is doing

in my life, how he is preparing me little by little for what’s next,

and all the blessings of grace and growth that I couldn’t see

before, the richness of a life spent continually seeking a right

relationship with God and others.

Church Makes You Happier

Here's an interesting article that a CSC student shared with the staff. According to the article, people who attend Church are happier because the relationships they form at Church are more significant to them compared to relationships formed outside of Church communities.

Makes sense.

http://news.discovery.com/human/religion-happiness-social-bonds.html#mkcpgn=hknws1