I have said YES to God in his call to continue to seek him, to not give up on the Divine. You see, for a number of years now, I have struggled with the question of whether or not God exists. I have struggled with whether my faith could stand up to my intellect and my skepticism. I have felt that there was as good a chance of God not existing as there was of God existing.
Emotionally, it’s not hard for me to imagine that I am talking to God in prayer, or thanking God in church, and there is so much I love in our Catholic tradition. However, intellectually, I ask myself questions all the time: Is our belief in God a product of human evolution that can be explained through evolutionary psychology or cultural evolution? Although God could be the source of all the universe and of evolution, it’s possible that he wasn’t, too. Is God necessary? Am I clinging to God because I need to believe in God, because I want to believe in God? Am I afraid I couldn’t handle a Godless world?
I have a brother who is atheist, and we have very lively conversations about what religious people believe, and whether or not those beliefs hold water. I think in addition to the intellectual standards I hold myself to, I often think of my brother in the back of my mind. Would he approve of my belief? Is it something that would stand up to his reasoning?
During last Spring semester, when I was deciding what I was going to do this year, I felt that the CSC was a place where I could explore these questions, explore whether or not God existed and if he did, what I could know about him. However, I worried that I wouldn’t fit in as an intern without a strong faith. During my interview for the CSC internship, I expressed my concern about fitting in to Troy and Sr. Linda. Sr. Linda’s response was, “Brian, the only thing that we ask is that you have an open mind, that you be open to God acting in your life just as much as you be open to God not existing.” It was a really powerful thing that she said.
I think I have said yes to God this year in that I have not stopped seeking: I have not stopped pursuing an understanding of God and the God question. I have been able to read several books about God which have intrigued me and given me hope: from a book that posited God as the source of moral progress, to a book which introduced me to eco-theology, to works of scholars in the field of science and religion, who are able to wrestle with the God question in light of what we know about the natural world through science.
In addition, in light of the openness requested by Troy and Sr. Linda, I have tried my best, with their loving encouragement, to learn from the diverse understandings of God of those around me. Although all of the understandings don’t always make sense to me, I recognize that they can hold much wisdom and value.
To be clear, I haven’t always been diligent in my seeking: there are times when laziness or lack of interest slows my search for God. There are also times when I let my mind close to others’ understandings and lose out on their wisdom. But I hope that when that happens I do my best to renew my commitment, to again say Yes and continue to seek an understanding of God.
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