In many ways, the past spring and summer have been more of
a winter than anything else. There was a lot of stripping away,
of starkness; it was a time of hibernation in my own little cave
to sort things out.
You see, I had fallen in love, for the first time. Or really, I
had realized after the fact, when it was too late to do anything
about it, that I was in love. It was just two weeks after the
initial shock that it wasn’t going to work out with this person
that God decided to drop the “religious life” bomb on me.
Really God, you think NOW is the best time to ask me to think
about becoming a sister or nun?? It felt like I had been shown
everything I’d ever want, and then had it taken away from me,
like I’d never really be given it or anything like it, again. I was
still reeling from the blow that I wouldn’t have the chance to
know this man like I desired, but now felt completely knocked
out by the thought that maybe, I wouldn’t ever get to know any
man ever. It seemed like some kind of cruel joke –that I was
able to experience falling in love, but I’d never know its fruits.
I was bitter and angry at God. But underneath those
shallower emotions was fear. Fear of closing myself off to
potential relationships, of potential “happy endings.” Fear
because I knew I’d eventually be saying yes to God, because he
knew me best after all, and where else could I run and still be
happy? Fear because I’d never even considered the religious
life as a viable option and so had no framework at all of how
to think about and visualize the future. I was a strange mix of
depression at a seemingly bleak horizon of knowing I would
eventually be done with this heartbreak but for now I’d just
have to wait it out in the meantime, however long it took, and
yet somehow hopeful that God had plans for me and that I
knew just a little bit more of what they were.
It took a couple of painful months for me to say yes to
God to discern a call to the religious life. It was very humbling
and it involved a lot of letting go’s. I began to understand
what it meant to be stripped of everything: of all my plans,
of everything I want, of everything I love and cherish, to be
left with nothing --except the very best part of me that was
hidden deep down at the bottom –and giving this back to God.
Through this saying yes to God and the time spent in prayer
and asking myself hard questions, I grew to know more deeply
both myself and God, of what I could contribute to the world,
what my gifts were and my purpose.
Honestly, looking back on the last nine months, it’s been
the best part of my life. I have felt more alive, first from the
pain, but secondly, and more deeply, from an awakening to
who I really am, the affirmation of who God is calling me
to be and how He is giving me everything I need to be this
manifestation of love for others. After this winter, came a
spring and a new life.
While this ‘yes’ has not led me to a definitive answer
on what vocation God is calling me to, it has led to a better
awareness and attentiveness on my part of what God is doing
in my life, how he is preparing me little by little for what’s next,
and all the blessings of grace and growth that I couldn’t see
before, the richness of a life spent continually seeking a right
relationship with God and others.
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